This is something that I wrote last night. There have been several times that I have been doing my devotional or reading the bible and I have felt like I could tell a message about it. A couple times I have gone through it in my head but last night I felt compelled to write it out so this is something that I wrote at like 3:30 am last night. It was kinda whatever came to my head but it really amazed me how much came to mind as I was just writting. I guess that's the way that God works. I am going to try to continue writting these things out as they come to mind and see how it goes.

Dear God,

I really don't know what to say to you. I haven't talked to you using my prayer journal in a long time. I actually haven't talked to you much at all lately. I have been trying to rely a lot on myself lately and no one else and I have seen that it doesn't really work out the greatest. I came really close to a mental breakdown several times just because I was trying to take on too much. God, I realize that I need you but there is still a part of me that is holding back. There is still a part of me that wants to be independant. God, help me. Continue to show me the way. Continue to put yourself on my heart. Things like reading the bible. I can really see you through that. I don't understand why I felt compelled to read the bible when I really didn't want to other than that it was you. God, just help me get through this. I thank you for helping me with so much so far and just continue to be there. Help me get through this week. Thank you God.

                                          -Cat

Dear God,

I really don't know what to say at the moment. I feel like I am kinda writting out of guilt because I haven't really talked to you the past couple days. I feel like it is so pointless though. I can't seem to allow you in every part of my life and I can't seem to even find a connection with just talking to you. I know that I need to really do some soul searching and I know that I need to be working more at trying to figure things out but I kinda feel like I am just putting it off. I have been working so hard on surviving that it's all that matters. I don't let myself have time to think because that doesn't really help with the whole concept of surviving. I don't let myself have time for really anything. It kinda sux as a way to live but it is a way to survive. I guess I have been working so hard to not let myself think that I don't really want to. I dread just sitting and thinking. I know that it is pointless to put things off and nothing will get better if I do but I feel like I don't really know how to do anything else. I guess I am just kinda waiting. I don't really know for what. I am not really waiting to die anymore because you say that I can't do that until you say so. Recently I have found that to be so incredibly frustrating. Anyways, I guess I felt like I should at least take a few minutes to try to talk to you. God, please help me figure things out. Help things get better sooner rather then later. I know that you do things in your own time and that I need to be patient but it can become so difficult at times. It feels as though I have been suffering through all of this forever and I just want it all to go away. I know that it probably won't just magically go away though I also know that you could do that if you wanted to. God, just help me. I am so frustrated and I really don't know what to do.

                                           -Cat

Dear God,

I feel like I can't really get close to you lately. I am enjoying church more and I thank you for that. I thank you for the opportunity to help with the kids and it is something that I enjoy doing. I feel like I am not really getting the chance to experience you though. Watching the passion of the christ was a really good experience and helped me see what Jesus went through but I can't hold on to experiences like that. I know that I need to experience you everyday in my life yet I feel like I don't know how. I feel like lately I can't connect with you.I know that things are so much better when I completely let you control my life but right now I feel like I can't get to that place. I am not sure particularly what is keeping me from getting there. I don't know what is stopping me. I feel like I could at least try to do something if I knew but I don't. I guess I'm kinda blocking myself from that too though. I am not letting myself think. I am managing to survive by constantly keeping myself busy and not letting myself have the time to think. I guess it's just another one of many survival methods. I hate the fact that I have to fight everyday to survive and I hate the fact that I can't really have a real life but I don't really know any different. I feel like there can't be anything different. My life has been so much about survival. Right now this method is working. I am not necessarily happy with my life but I am surviving. It's not absolute hell. I manage to get through everyday and though I get extremely exhausted I have learned to deal with it. I feel like if I let myself really have the time to face reality that things will get worse. My reality really isn't the greatest thing and I guess I have been kinda keeping myself from facing it. I guess that's kinda how I came to you and got baptized. I reached about as low as I could go. I reached the point that I want absolutely nothing other than to just die and yet I didn't really know how to do it. I couldn't really survive anymore. I had absolutely no where else to turn so I turned to you God and you helped me. I know that I should turn to you now but I guess I have this part of me that doesn't want to. I have worked so hard to be independant. I have promised myself so many times that I wouldn't depend on anybody. Especially after this whole thing with the teacher I promised myself that I would survive on my own. It's like in a way I am so sick of just having to survive and I want to be able to actually have a life but in a way I feel like I am actually managing to make it so I shouldn't risk screwing it up. I guess I'm kinda stupid in that way. I turned to you most when I had no where else to go. Now I am surviving on my own and even though I know that I desperately need you I feel like I don't really want to turn to you. As I sit here I feel like someday in the future I will stop and think about it and turn to you but I feel like I don't have the time for it now. I know that I should now. I know that you will make my life better but it almost seems as just logic. Faith isn't based on logic though. I can analyze things endlessly and it isn't going to make sense because that is why it is faith. God, help me. I don't know how to get from point A to point B. I don't know how to overcome this stuff. I need you help. Help me through this. God, also please just help me get to sleep tonight. I really need the rest. Help me have a good day tomorrow. God, be there in my life. Help me through this. Thank you God.

                                         -Cat

Dear God,

Thank you for today. I really needed the day to just relax and to have some sleep. It was refeshing both physically and spiritually with the movie. I thank you for the opportunity to go and to get closer to you. God, help me with all of the stuff. I have that bag and I have been debating getting rid of it for several weeks now. I know that I should but in a way I don't want to. God, I have been seriously thinking about giving the bag to Todd. God, if you want this to happen open those doors for me. Give me the opportunity to talk to Todd. Give me the courage in to even do this. Just allow things to work out how you want them. God, please also help tomorrow to go ok. I don't necessarily want to spend 2 hours in the car with my mom so just allow that to not be too painful. God, also just help things in general to work out. I am trying to survive but I need your help. You gave up so much just for me when I don't feel that I am worth anything. God, help me get through this. God, please just help me relax and get to sleep tonight and be rested and ready for tomorrow. Help me sleep through the night and to truely get some rest. Thank you God for everything.

                                             -Cat

Dear God,

I guess yet again I don't really know what to say. Today was a pretty good day. I guess it still probably wouldn't be to normal people but compared to recent days today went pretty good. God, I thank you for helping me in drama. I am trying to become more involved. I am trying to get to know people instead of just sitting by myself. There are so many people there and quite a few of them I don't even know. I am trying to get more involved and to be a part of them. God, I ask you to continue to help me with that. Help me be comfortable. Help me be ok with the situations. Help me know what to say. And also allow me to not feel like I am useless and don't belong. God, please help me with this whole situation. I am also kinda struggling with getting kinda exhausted. I know that I have some time but I haven't been able to sleep very well lately. I guess it is partly my fault but part of it is that I don't really want to think. I dont' want to let myself have that opportunity. I am scared that if I let myself have the time to think I will think about negative or depressing stuff. God, just help me get to sleep tonight. Help me get rest and not just the passing the time. Help me wake up tomorrow and be ready to go. God, also I am sorry for not going to church tonight. I for some reason felt like I shouldn't really go. I guess part of it was because I didn't wnat to but then I have been kinda waiting for Wednesday for several days because I wanted to try to talk to Todd. I guess help me in that aspect. I am really debating talking to Todd. I am really debating trying to give up all that stuff. God, help me with that. I know that I should get rid of that stuff but it is so hard for me. Give me the strength to make that decision. I was reading my devotional today and it talked about asking for the strength to deal with the conditions instead of praying for things to just be better. God, I ask you for that. Help me deal with things. Help me get through this. And also help me get to a point that I can look beyond this. I know that I can have all of this testimony if I actually make it through all of this but it will never really be a testimony if I don't make it. At times it feels like I never will. God, help me with this. Help me with life. I get so tired. Give me the strength to keep going. Thank you God.

                                        -Sarah

Dear God,

I don't really know what to say. I feel like things have been going really badly in the past 24 hours. I don't feel that I should really be talking to you right now. I know that I need the help and I know that I should be turning to you yet I feel like I can't really depend on you right now. I feel like you keep letting me have a little bit of good just to disappoint me. I know that this isn't your fault but it is frustrating. God, I just really don't know right now. I am angry I am frustrated. I want to rant and scream and tell everyone how unfair my life is but I know that doing all of that wouldn't change anything. It feels like nothing can change anything. I want things to change but it feels like they never will. It seems so pointless to even have hope. I promised myself so many times that I wouldn't let myself have hope. I told myself that I wouldn't get my hopes up that things would get better. I feel like I have no where to go. I feel like I have no where to turn. Everyone just gives up on me. Some last longer than others but eventually they all give up on me. They can't help me. It feels like you won't help me and they can't. I feel so trapped. I don't know what to do. Right now I feel kinda angry at you so I don't know if I really want you right now. It feels like you would help me. It feels liek you should make things better. Give me something to go on. Show me that things can get better. I am not expecting my life to be instantly wonderful but I need something. I need something to show me that it is possible I need hope!

                                          -Cat

Dear God,

I am in a kinda weird mood. I guess I am kinda happy to go back to school. I feel like things are really resolved with everything. The teacher is no longer really an issue because she is now not really all that different than any other teacher. I don't really know what to call her though. I guess it doesn't matter. God, I am having a terrible time focusing right now. I know that I should have written earlier and I even thought about it but I didn't. I am sorry for that. God, I don't know what to say. I don't want to let myself think. I know that I probably should think through some things but I really don't want to. I am not letting myself think. God, I really don't know. I guess help me have clarity. Help me understand things. Open my eyes and my heart. God just help me. Thank you for everything that I know that you can do.

                                           -Cat

Dear God,

I am kinda not really sure what to say at the moment. I feel like I had a breakthrough today. I feel like I am more at peace with things. I feel closer to you and like things are going to just be ok. I kinda want to try to think through all of it more but I am kinda mentally preventing myself from doing so. I guess I have worked so hard all of break to not allow myself to have the time to think that I am blocking myself from allowing myself to really have any deep thoughts. I am really scattered right now. I was kinda focused when I was writting in my other blog but right now I really can't focus on much of anything. I guess thank you for helping me. Open my spiritual eyes. Help me see you. Help me not get overwhelmed with work. I know that I can do this with you help. God, please continue to open my eyes and my heart and help me understand things. Help me get closer to you. Right now I kinda feel like I just need some time to think and I am really having a hard time focus. I just ask that as I try to think things through that I can see you and that I can see things in terms of how you want them. Thank you God for everything that I know you will do.

                                          -Cat

Dear God,

I really feel pretty pointless writting to you at the moment. I don't even know why I am really doing it right now. I guess it has kinda become a part of my routine so I am writting. I really don't see a point in it. I feel like I am sitting here scribbling something down just so that I have done my little duty for the day. It doesn't feel like you are listening. It doesn't feel like I am talking to anyone. I feel like I am just writting for no reason. I feel like I have already told you all of this. It seems so pointless to say the same thing over and over again. I feel like I am tired of repeating myself. I feel like I should be asking you to help me get better but I guess I don't really believe that you will. It's weird how I can believe so strongly that you will help people like Julie and yet I don't see how you could ever help me. I thank you for Julie getting a heart. That's really amazing. So many people were praying for her and she is such a good person that it just really seems like she is the kind of person that desearves it. She is the kind of person that you would help. I feel that I am not one of those people. I don't really desearve anything. I guess I desearve what I get. It's weird to think about what I have been through. I can talk about it so casually. I am a mental case. The only reason that I wasn't put in a mental hospital was because there wasn't any openings that night. I guess it's all just kinda weird. So many people don't see me as anything like that. I don't seem to be that kind of a person. I guess it's just who I have made myself to be. I don't really have much of a life because I don't really let myself have one so I guess I can be whoever I want. I don't have close friends, I guess Kellie is one but other then that I don't. I don't really let myself have emotions. I am not really human. Not sure if they took it away from me or I took it from myself. I guess probably a combination of both. I guess it's all coping though. I am a useless shell but at least I am still alive. Not sure if it's really a fair tradeoff but it makes them people happy. I guess I kinda get the bad end either way. Anyways, I am kinda rambling about pointless stuff and I still don't feel that you are really listening to me so I guess that kinda makes this talking to myself. God, I guess help me so that I can become closer to you again. Help me be more than a worthless shell.

                                           -Cat